Catching Up

We had a great cycle of IUI with injectibles. We did Lupron and Gonal-F and Menopur this cycle. It meant 3 injections in my stomach per night. It was painful but I felt a sense of hope and calm this cycle. Unfortunately, it did not work out the way we'd planned. We went very slow at first. We had 3 appointments per week, all before school at 6:30am. The clinic is on my way to school, so it makes it easier. They close at 4pm so there is no way for me to see them unless we miss work, so I am happy for those early morning appointments.
I love my nurses. There are plenty of other nurses but they are my favorites. I have an awful time with taking blood because my veins hide. One girl always ends up doing a butterfly in my hand. I have to drink soooo much water to get prepared for the blood draws. It gives me some anxiety for sure.
About day 10, I was moving too fast. I was very uncomfortable and bloated. They slowed me down by reducing the meds and it was better. I had plenty of follices. My estrogen was high- like 3500 before the IUI! They almost cancelled on me for fear of multiples. But we went ahead with it. I had the IUI and all went well...until the next day. I was so sick. I was bloated and in pain and nothing seemed to work. Due to the fact you can't take much, I suffered. I tried to relax and hydrate. I tried to feel better. By Monday, I felt better and went to work. I did not resume my workouts. I will save that for another post!
By Wednesday, I could hardly move without pain. I had sharp pains on my right side. I rushed to the dr. and was diagnosed with ovarian hyperstimulation OHSS. It was plain awful. I got pulled out of work . I was crushed. I was miserable. I was given instructins to drink plenty, add one more injection of Luvonox or whatever blood thinner, and to sleep sitting up to let everything drain and not get a blood clot! It was really scary. But then, they said if it continues that I was probably pregnant. Well a few days later, and I felt better. I went back to work. I was resting and hydrating.
So the day before Thanksgiving, I started spotting. Then Thanksgiving I got my full on cycle and cramps. I still can't take anything due to the blood thinner. I mean I can take Tylenol but that doesn't cut it for my cramps. My family did not come to visit for the holiday. It was a sad day alone, the two of us. Nothing to do. No big turkey meal. Nothing but relaxing and football and feeling sorry for ourselves.
So I have felt defeated and I don't know what to do. I need to take a break for my school concerts. I need to lose weight and feel back to normal. I had gained more weight and I feel so badly. I really thought this cycle would work.

Getting Closer

I've enjoyed the break. I have been staying away from all the blogs, twitter, webmd, etc. for several weeks now. I am trying to get healthier. I'm back to swimming but I just can't seem to get myself running. I've had some low self esteem days. I know I've gained more weight since February, but I've taken a few steps to help myself out of this ditch. I've rejoined the tri training for swimming. I've emailed a coach but not sure if this is the right time. I've joined WW again and also got the online membership so I can track on my phone. I've been walking my dogs more often and they seem to love it. It is easy to walk a few laps whenever I can. I've been cooking more and really enjoyed my co-op and all the veggies! I've also been taking all my meds like I am supposed to - I've been known to forget to take med from time to time.

I am healing and I am trying to find balance. I need to do more yoga and work out to sleep better. I also need to be positive about my upcoming treatments and appointments. It will be a few days until I start again and I am trying not to freak out. At this point, I will be mom at 40 so who gives a crap at this point.

Not Much New Here.

Since I've been on a forced break from fertility, I've figured out a few important things.
1. I really like to cook when I have time.
2. I don't miss the shots and the early morning appointments, but I do miss making progress on my goal to get pregnant.
3. I've told a few more people.
4. I've managed not to cry or get all weird about a few people that either have announced pregnancy or given birth-mostly random co-workers. One thing that bothered me to find out that my sister's childhood childhood friend and former neighbor is pregnant. I think she blocked my facebook to spare me the details. Suddenly, my sister came to visit for the shower and she was already 7 months pregnant....a little sketchy if you as me but I don't care. FInding out people are pregnant is neutral to me. It's not about them, it's clearly my issue and I am getting better about it.
5. I'm back to swimming but not running. Well I did run a few times but I'm not back into my program.
6. Due to some family issues, I have not been packing lunches as I wanted to...but I have been making better choices and trying to eat out less.
7. I cannot for the life of me give up caffeine. I'm down to 2 cups in the morning, half caff. Not bad but not great.
8. I went for my followups for both sleep study and also found out my thyroid is out of whack.....dealing with both of these things will help me get healthier and thinner.
9. At the end of October, we begin another round of IUI with injectibles.

Back to School, Back to Being Me.

We started school this week. I am excited and nervous at the same time. The first day back was stupid meetings and I felt very overwhelmed by the amount of work I need to do this year and the mounting pressure of things. I need to relax and take one day at a time.

I went to my post-op appt with my least favorite doctor, but it went well. I am healing nicely. Bad news is, no running or heavy lifting for 2 more weeks. I tried to run last week and I hurt so bad all over. Just to let you know it has been 3 weeks today since surgery and my instructions said resume all daily activities after 3-5 days, so I was confused. I am ready to run and swim again when I am able. Bad news they won't let me cycle in September, but in October. I don't get my AF until about the 22nd so it feels SO far away. I was upset about that for a day or two until I realized that I need to get back to my fitness level, take care of my other health issues, improve my diet, and reduce stress. HA. Well, one thing at a time.

I took the bull by the horns and went to my sleep study results. I have sleep apnea and will have to go back to be fitted for my mask and everything. I have been avoiding this for...months and years. I did not want to admit that I have this health problem but I needed to take care of it. I cannot seem to lose any weight and I cannot seem to ever get rested. I wake up with headaches, drowsy during day, snore loudly, wake up choking. My dad (who is tall and thin, very healthy) has a sever case of sleep apnea too and he begged me to go and find out. He believes my grandfather and great aunt also had it undiagnosed. He died at 69 of heart disease. Also heavy but no other health issues. I am determined to get some rest and feel better about myself. I have almost 2 months until my next cycle. I can do this.

I also went back to the gym. I got a huge hug from my former trainer. The girls at the front desk greeted us and it was nice to get past that avoidance thing. All the girls I trained with last winter and spring did the Iron Girl and half marathons this past month. I KNOW I could have done it too. I need to get myself to a place of peace and organization and confidence. I am just treading water...waiting until THAT moment I am pregnant to begin life. I need to stop procrastinating goals like this. This journey of infertility has made me hit the pause button on so many things in my life. No more shutting down, no more pity parties for me. I need to move and keep moving.

Days of Summer

I had a great day today and I feel more like myself every day. I had a great haircut and it took a little more time to straighten, but it was worth the boost to feel better. I highly recommend that everyone get a good hairstylist that makes you feel good about yourself. She also did my eyebrows which ended up looking MUCh better!!! haha I always let them go about 2 weeks before my hair appointments so that she can take care of them.

I cleaned out the garage more. I cleaned out the trunk of my car. I cleaned the kitchen and put away all the extra CRAP. I wiped down the inside of my car, mowed the lawn, weedwhacked, blew the clippings away. I swept the garage and vacuumed the dog hair from the floor and corners. I washed both dog beds. I cleaned both bathrooms and then watched Real Housewives for an hour and passed out! I was a maniac today!

I went out to lunch with a friend. It was a very late lunch and we went to Indian food. Husband won't go with me, so I went with her. I was excited to be out and about.

I am going running tonight. I feel good. I need to get back to business and get back to the gym too.

Little Steps

I drove today! I went out to lunch with my husband and later I had to go to a hair appointment. It felt weird to drive and my car settings were all messed up from where he drove me home in my car from the hospital- it was a smaller vehicle to park downtown and seemed easier to get in and out of after surgery. I only had to go about a mile away to my hair appt but it was still nice to have freedom again.

I got my hair done too. I got highlights and lowlights and had it straightened. I know my hair appts are usually expensive but I feel like a million bucks!!

The NYS Fair starts tomorrow. I am sad that the end of summer is near. I still have almost 2 weeks off before school starts again, so that is good.

I am healing. Slowly and surely.

Visit from My Mom!

This is just what I needed to feel better, honestly! My mother was away during surgery. She was on a pre-planned vacation with my sister and husband and their two little kids to Disney for the week. My surgery was moved up a week due to my cycle, or my mom would have been able to be here. They had planned the vacation a year in advance, so there was really nothing I could do or say. I had no idea 4 weeks ago that I would have to have surgery, and there was no real reason for me to postpone. After all, we really don't want to waste any more time. I will be 40 in December. :(

Moving forward...I can start a cycle around the middle of September. I am hopeful it will work. I'm sure they will have me do another cycle of IUI with Lupron again. We had a great cycle last time except the side effects at the end. My estrogen was 1300 before trigger and they said everything else looked good on my blood work. The main problem was they could not see anything from the ultrasounds- there was something blocking and they could pretty much never get a good picture of my ovaries on either side. They even tried putting the wand into my belly button and looking down- boy was that uncomfortable! It is all making sense now as they said the fibroid was near the top of the uterus towards the right side, the only side I've had eggs so far. That big round mass was taking up space and probably blocking up the works. I probably DID have eggs. They might have come down and fertilized and never attached, or they were not able to meet up with each other in order to create an egg. So I am very hopeful that was the MAIN problem and now it is gone. I do not expect everything to go smoothly, I am just able to be more positive today.

I still have some pain near my belly button. I think it was slightly infected from the laparoscopy. It was very pink and hurt quite a bit. But I never got a temperature over 99 and it did not bleed or do anything except ache. Today it hurts slightly, like I did too many crunches or was punched in the gut. I can end over to reach something on the floor (there's plenty of laundry piled up) with a little better ease today, but I am not going to push it. I am going to let my mom drive me around and do a few errands. Maybe we can do a little crafting.

The main thing I have been working on is clearing out the back bedroom to make a baby nursery. It has taken me 8 years to consider this. Before the surgery, I began organizing my stuff and deciding what stays and goes. It is a big step for me...to BELIEVE and to PLAN. It will feel good when my mom gets here to spend time and help me.