Positive, Positive, Positive!

Day three of shots went well. I cried last night as the first one really hurt and the other two were frightening. It is mostly in my head. I see those needles coming and I can't look. He tries to hide behind his back. The dogs were gathered around like it was treat time! I wish it was a treat for me! He tried to do the shots in different order- the one that stings and burns first instead of last. I told him to change it around and not tell me. It did help but for some reason it especially stung that time. :( He gave me a big hug after and said sorry. He is a good hugger, with big broad shoulders and it is truly a bear hug that comforts me.

I had a good day teaching at our little camp. They had some really cool new pieces and we also added some fiddle things today. It is nice when the summer kids actually do work. It is sometimes unlike the rest of the year! My good friend is back in town from grad school and it was so nice to be back working with her. I got done and had lunch with friends. Then off to take my dog Maggie to get her nails trimmed. She was a good girl so we all went to Starbucks to pick up something for the husband. He is quite miserable at work these days. :(

Last night I went biking and running. I did about 20 minutes each. I felt much better when I was done. It was hard to get running. I feel all kinds of stiff and tight in my legs and especially in my feet. But I worked through it and felt a sense of accomplishment. My bike ride was strong and I felt good. I stopped the Garmin for one small length to stretch out more and forgot to restart it so I had to guess my running time. I am very overweight right now. I feel awful about myself, but I am determined to push through this low self esteem and depression about my infertility issues. I need to just MOVE. Anything, walking the dogs, bike rides, whatever. My run was made better with music...thank you to my awesome playlists!

Next step...find the confidence to get back to my gym!

Mrs. Basket Case

We got our meds in the mail. It was seriously two HUGE boxes. Some of the items had to be refrigerated. Now I completely understand why infertility bloggers take photos of their meds- the sheer amount is overwhelming! We had our appointment VERY EARLY on Saturday morning. It was supposed to be my first day off for summer but instead we went off to the wonderful fertility center. Our nurses are all very wonderful. Not so much the ones on the phone, but the ones in the actual office are warm and helpful and encouraging. It doesn't really make it any better. You still know when you enter that place that every woman is going through the same thing. It is really sad to me. There are some really nice couples- they look like the kind that deserve a little baby and would make great parents. The waiting room has big comfy couches and chairs and coffee and tea and all kinds of books and things. It still doesn't make it better.

I have so much anxiety that I am thinking about speaking to my regular doctor about it. I get so upset and afraid of every little thing. I do not think that is normal. I want this so badly that it hurts. I think it is a cross between anxiety and slight depression. I am not suicidal or anything like that- just don't feel much like doing anything or going anywhere except work. Even that got hard near the end of the year.

The injections are given every night before bed, or around the same time every night. There are two shots that must be drawn out with a syringe and one that is a pen. My husband has to prepare all that stuff and them administer the shots. I have a huge fear of needles- I get dizzy when I see them come near me. The blood draws at the office every time make me feel the same way but they hurt more. So far the shots went well for the first two days. I think he feels so bad afterwards for "hurting" me. He stops and gives me hugs and is practically in tears too. He says I am getting better with the needles overall. I am sorry I am such a basket case.

So I am going to remain positive and try not to worry so much. I am trying to envision this all being worth it.

Two down, four to go.

I'm on this journey of infertility. It has been several years of hoping and waiting and then...we asked God to help us. I do not know where this will lead us. I pray we will can be parents someday. This spring, I found the courage to begin fertility treatments. I did two cycles of IUI with Clomid. Each month I had a nice BIG EGG on my right side. My left ovary must not be interested in making any so far....hmmm. Maybe this is why I have not had any luck so far, maybe it was only working half the time. The clomid did not bother me much until abut day 5 and then I was very uncomfortable and a total emotional basket case. The second cycle they put me on ANOTHER WEEK of clomid and I was cramped and bloated and emotional. I pretty much shut down emotionally and physically. I have since realized the error of my ways. I would come home from work and sleep until dinner, watch TV, and then read or lay in my bed with my dogs. I know that this is not making good choices. I cannot simply stop my life and push away friends and plans to hang out. I need to get out and put on real clothes and makeup and actually TRY to feel better about myself.

I took a month off for my 7 concerts and one competition. Everything went gloriously well at work during concert season and today is the last day of school. I have been done with real teaching for about a week now, but the last few weeks have so many twists and turns. I have a simple summer planned and I am looking forward to being CALM, and planning myself for this journey. I had a very stressful week with music for elementary graduation ceremonies, collecting hundreds of school rentals and doing inventory, last minute paperwork and projects...just lots of loose ends. I also had to pack up all of my classrooms since we will not be able to access the school over summer break due to asbestos removal at every building. My to do list has been LONG and made me CRANKY. I am battling with my weight, my self esteem, my energy levels, so it is time to gain control over everything. I haven't run or swam or biked (or anything) regularly in several weeks and I feel plain old awful. I am learning to try to take one moment, one day at a time to get that control.

This morning started off with a blunt slap in the face with reality. Between 7am- 8am I had a battle with the insurance company and specialty pharmacy this morning and another emotional breakdown. Then again more phone calls and insurance and nurses and directions....too much for one day let alone one morning. Then they called me at 6:30 and said the order was held up. Then they called and said everything was fine. Then the second pharmacy called and said my credit card didn't go through....seriously people I DO pay my bills but whatever. Now at least I can go to bed with a tracking number and hopefully won't go nuts waiting for it to arrive.

However, I think this month is a GO. I have my first appointment tomorrow and we begin an IUI cycle with injectables. I do not know what that means. I am merely documenting and blogging. I am not allowed to google and frantically search webmd for drugs and side effects like I have in the past. I have spent too much time and emotional energy worrying about everything. It's not to say I will not read the paperwork and listen for directions, just that I am NOT going to obsess or be riddled with fear. For those of you who really KNOW me, I am terrified of needles and have a serious amount of anxiety about my appointments and everything. My friend who has been through this has told me to be positive and trust the doctors and nurses. It didn't help today to go hear about yet another girl at work finding out she is pregnant and due next January...but I am genuinely happy for her and almost numb to this kind of news.

On a positive note, I had a great last staff meeting. I had lunch with a very close friend. I spoke to my mom twice. I brought my husband a special coffee treat in the middle of the afternoon, and I was home by 4pm with my dogs and my laptop. It was a good school year. It was a good teaching year, and I have great memories of my students and their progress. I am proud of myself for what I have become as a teacher. I am humbled and proud of the program I have worked so hard to maintain. I have such amazing friends and colleagues. I also have a wonderful family, and an amazingly supportive husband. I know I can find the strength to do this.

So. two down, four cycles to go. Let's pray this will be a lucky number three cycle! Pray for me to "Be not afraid."