Catching Up

We had a great cycle of IUI with injectibles. We did Lupron and Gonal-F and Menopur this cycle. It meant 3 injections in my stomach per night. It was painful but I felt a sense of hope and calm this cycle. Unfortunately, it did not work out the way we'd planned. We went very slow at first. We had 3 appointments per week, all before school at 6:30am. The clinic is on my way to school, so it makes it easier. They close at 4pm so there is no way for me to see them unless we miss work, so I am happy for those early morning appointments.
I love my nurses. There are plenty of other nurses but they are my favorites. I have an awful time with taking blood because my veins hide. One girl always ends up doing a butterfly in my hand. I have to drink soooo much water to get prepared for the blood draws. It gives me some anxiety for sure.
About day 10, I was moving too fast. I was very uncomfortable and bloated. They slowed me down by reducing the meds and it was better. I had plenty of follices. My estrogen was high- like 3500 before the IUI! They almost cancelled on me for fear of multiples. But we went ahead with it. I had the IUI and all went well...until the next day. I was so sick. I was bloated and in pain and nothing seemed to work. Due to the fact you can't take much, I suffered. I tried to relax and hydrate. I tried to feel better. By Monday, I felt better and went to work. I did not resume my workouts. I will save that for another post!
By Wednesday, I could hardly move without pain. I had sharp pains on my right side. I rushed to the dr. and was diagnosed with ovarian hyperstimulation OHSS. It was plain awful. I got pulled out of work . I was crushed. I was miserable. I was given instructins to drink plenty, add one more injection of Luvonox or whatever blood thinner, and to sleep sitting up to let everything drain and not get a blood clot! It was really scary. But then, they said if it continues that I was probably pregnant. Well a few days later, and I felt better. I went back to work. I was resting and hydrating.
So the day before Thanksgiving, I started spotting. Then Thanksgiving I got my full on cycle and cramps. I still can't take anything due to the blood thinner. I mean I can take Tylenol but that doesn't cut it for my cramps. My family did not come to visit for the holiday. It was a sad day alone, the two of us. Nothing to do. No big turkey meal. Nothing but relaxing and football and feeling sorry for ourselves.
So I have felt defeated and I don't know what to do. I need to take a break for my school concerts. I need to lose weight and feel back to normal. I had gained more weight and I feel so badly. I really thought this cycle would work.

Getting Closer

I've enjoyed the break. I have been staying away from all the blogs, twitter, webmd, etc. for several weeks now. I am trying to get healthier. I'm back to swimming but I just can't seem to get myself running. I've had some low self esteem days. I know I've gained more weight since February, but I've taken a few steps to help myself out of this ditch. I've rejoined the tri training for swimming. I've emailed a coach but not sure if this is the right time. I've joined WW again and also got the online membership so I can track on my phone. I've been walking my dogs more often and they seem to love it. It is easy to walk a few laps whenever I can. I've been cooking more and really enjoyed my co-op and all the veggies! I've also been taking all my meds like I am supposed to - I've been known to forget to take med from time to time.

I am healing and I am trying to find balance. I need to do more yoga and work out to sleep better. I also need to be positive about my upcoming treatments and appointments. It will be a few days until I start again and I am trying not to freak out. At this point, I will be mom at 40 so who gives a crap at this point.

Not Much New Here.

Since I've been on a forced break from fertility, I've figured out a few important things.
1. I really like to cook when I have time.
2. I don't miss the shots and the early morning appointments, but I do miss making progress on my goal to get pregnant.
3. I've told a few more people.
4. I've managed not to cry or get all weird about a few people that either have announced pregnancy or given birth-mostly random co-workers. One thing that bothered me to find out that my sister's childhood childhood friend and former neighbor is pregnant. I think she blocked my facebook to spare me the details. Suddenly, my sister came to visit for the shower and she was already 7 months pregnant....a little sketchy if you as me but I don't care. FInding out people are pregnant is neutral to me. It's not about them, it's clearly my issue and I am getting better about it.
5. I'm back to swimming but not running. Well I did run a few times but I'm not back into my program.
6. Due to some family issues, I have not been packing lunches as I wanted to...but I have been making better choices and trying to eat out less.
7. I cannot for the life of me give up caffeine. I'm down to 2 cups in the morning, half caff. Not bad but not great.
8. I went for my followups for both sleep study and also found out my thyroid is out of whack.....dealing with both of these things will help me get healthier and thinner.
9. At the end of October, we begin another round of IUI with injectibles.

Back to School, Back to Being Me.

We started school this week. I am excited and nervous at the same time. The first day back was stupid meetings and I felt very overwhelmed by the amount of work I need to do this year and the mounting pressure of things. I need to relax and take one day at a time.

I went to my post-op appt with my least favorite doctor, but it went well. I am healing nicely. Bad news is, no running or heavy lifting for 2 more weeks. I tried to run last week and I hurt so bad all over. Just to let you know it has been 3 weeks today since surgery and my instructions said resume all daily activities after 3-5 days, so I was confused. I am ready to run and swim again when I am able. Bad news they won't let me cycle in September, but in October. I don't get my AF until about the 22nd so it feels SO far away. I was upset about that for a day or two until I realized that I need to get back to my fitness level, take care of my other health issues, improve my diet, and reduce stress. HA. Well, one thing at a time.

I took the bull by the horns and went to my sleep study results. I have sleep apnea and will have to go back to be fitted for my mask and everything. I have been avoiding this for...months and years. I did not want to admit that I have this health problem but I needed to take care of it. I cannot seem to lose any weight and I cannot seem to ever get rested. I wake up with headaches, drowsy during day, snore loudly, wake up choking. My dad (who is tall and thin, very healthy) has a sever case of sleep apnea too and he begged me to go and find out. He believes my grandfather and great aunt also had it undiagnosed. He died at 69 of heart disease. Also heavy but no other health issues. I am determined to get some rest and feel better about myself. I have almost 2 months until my next cycle. I can do this.

I also went back to the gym. I got a huge hug from my former trainer. The girls at the front desk greeted us and it was nice to get past that avoidance thing. All the girls I trained with last winter and spring did the Iron Girl and half marathons this past month. I KNOW I could have done it too. I need to get myself to a place of peace and organization and confidence. I am just treading water...waiting until THAT moment I am pregnant to begin life. I need to stop procrastinating goals like this. This journey of infertility has made me hit the pause button on so many things in my life. No more shutting down, no more pity parties for me. I need to move and keep moving.

Days of Summer

I had a great day today and I feel more like myself every day. I had a great haircut and it took a little more time to straighten, but it was worth the boost to feel better. I highly recommend that everyone get a good hairstylist that makes you feel good about yourself. She also did my eyebrows which ended up looking MUCh better!!! haha I always let them go about 2 weeks before my hair appointments so that she can take care of them.

I cleaned out the garage more. I cleaned out the trunk of my car. I cleaned the kitchen and put away all the extra CRAP. I wiped down the inside of my car, mowed the lawn, weedwhacked, blew the clippings away. I swept the garage and vacuumed the dog hair from the floor and corners. I washed both dog beds. I cleaned both bathrooms and then watched Real Housewives for an hour and passed out! I was a maniac today!

I went out to lunch with a friend. It was a very late lunch and we went to Indian food. Husband won't go with me, so I went with her. I was excited to be out and about.

I am going running tonight. I feel good. I need to get back to business and get back to the gym too.

Little Steps

I drove today! I went out to lunch with my husband and later I had to go to a hair appointment. It felt weird to drive and my car settings were all messed up from where he drove me home in my car from the hospital- it was a smaller vehicle to park downtown and seemed easier to get in and out of after surgery. I only had to go about a mile away to my hair appt but it was still nice to have freedom again.

I got my hair done too. I got highlights and lowlights and had it straightened. I know my hair appts are usually expensive but I feel like a million bucks!!

The NYS Fair starts tomorrow. I am sad that the end of summer is near. I still have almost 2 weeks off before school starts again, so that is good.

I am healing. Slowly and surely.

Visit from My Mom!

This is just what I needed to feel better, honestly! My mother was away during surgery. She was on a pre-planned vacation with my sister and husband and their two little kids to Disney for the week. My surgery was moved up a week due to my cycle, or my mom would have been able to be here. They had planned the vacation a year in advance, so there was really nothing I could do or say. I had no idea 4 weeks ago that I would have to have surgery, and there was no real reason for me to postpone. After all, we really don't want to waste any more time. I will be 40 in December. :(

Moving forward...I can start a cycle around the middle of September. I am hopeful it will work. I'm sure they will have me do another cycle of IUI with Lupron again. We had a great cycle last time except the side effects at the end. My estrogen was 1300 before trigger and they said everything else looked good on my blood work. The main problem was they could not see anything from the ultrasounds- there was something blocking and they could pretty much never get a good picture of my ovaries on either side. They even tried putting the wand into my belly button and looking down- boy was that uncomfortable! It is all making sense now as they said the fibroid was near the top of the uterus towards the right side, the only side I've had eggs so far. That big round mass was taking up space and probably blocking up the works. I probably DID have eggs. They might have come down and fertilized and never attached, or they were not able to meet up with each other in order to create an egg. So I am very hopeful that was the MAIN problem and now it is gone. I do not expect everything to go smoothly, I am just able to be more positive today.

I still have some pain near my belly button. I think it was slightly infected from the laparoscopy. It was very pink and hurt quite a bit. But I never got a temperature over 99 and it did not bleed or do anything except ache. Today it hurts slightly, like I did too many crunches or was punched in the gut. I can end over to reach something on the floor (there's plenty of laundry piled up) with a little better ease today, but I am not going to push it. I am going to let my mom drive me around and do a few errands. Maybe we can do a little crafting.

The main thing I have been working on is clearing out the back bedroom to make a baby nursery. It has taken me 8 years to consider this. Before the surgery, I began organizing my stuff and deciding what stays and goes. It is a big step for me...to BELIEVE and to PLAN. It will feel good when my mom gets here to spend time and help me.

Reaching...

Today my goal was to shave my legs...good Lord! I did a decent job enough, so I was happy. I ran out of comfy shorts to wear so I had to ask for help with the laundry. My mother in law was here helping and that was OK but somewhat awkward. Towards the end when she left I appreciated the help so much. On day 2, my husband came home for lunch and I burst into tears. I hadn't felt good at all in the morning. The nurse called to check on me and told me to take the pain pills, so I did take one to rest. My abdominal muscles are still very sore. I had one incision that came open the first night. I think it was because I bent over to pick up something in the bathroom of the hospital- I know, I know, but I was just embarrassed. As much as I have been in pain and a big baby about things, I definitely feel better today. I had a hard time sitting at breakfast as my waist and belly button hurts so bad. It is not red and infected anymore, so I think I am in the clear.
I want my house back, my dogs to snuggle, my shows on the TV, not worry about looking normal for my guests, and to be able to reach my toes soon without weird pains. So far, I'm getting there. Now if there was an imaginary laundry fairy. Tomorrow my mom comes to visit so that is nice.

Laparoscopy

Well, I made it to the other side of this procedure. I had it done two days ago. I had a very tough time with getting the IV in the arm. They hit me up 3 times in my left hand and wrist and then finally struck gold in my right wrist, on the TOP of the wrist. Awful. I cried the whole time and wished they had let my husband back, even just to hold my hand. They also sent me in early that morning to have a HCG test, what an insult. I usually have alot of anxiety about the blood draw and needles so this was no different. I had so much anxiety about the size of my gigantic fibroid but to be honest they said it was smaller than an orange. I was so upset on my last appointment when the nurse doing the ultrasound said, "Oh my, it's TAKING OVER IN THERE!" and then showed me the screen where it looked like a huge moon pie. It was NO FUN at all, let me tell you. The doctor told husband that the fibroid was at the top of my uterus. It was probably blocking my tubes and getting in the way. He said they removed it and everything looked clear. Husband asked if the fibroid would come back and the good doctor said that 20% chance in 5 years they will come back, but by then I will have my babies.

My procedure went fine and I am home recovering. Instead of stitches, they used glue so I don't have to go back in a week like usual. I did take the pain pills at first but am terrified of that type of medicines, so today I weaned off it and I probably should have taken one today to rest. It has been very hard to move around due to the abdominal muscles. They made 3 small incisions and also put a scope in my belly button. Yesterday I slept alot and could hardly even sit up to watch TV. Today I woke up feeling like someone had put ginsu knives in my belly and scrambled everything! The other problem was I could not...well go to the bathroom. It was painful but eventually it all worked out. I am getting stronger and feeling better. My mother in law is here taking good care of me as my husband had to go back to work yesterday. I am hoping to get out of the house tomorrow.

I will have to wait 4-6 weeks until I can start another cycle. I am going to be positive. I am going to get back in shape. I am going to take better care of myself.

I'll Take the Good with the Bad.

I did not get pregnant on this round of IUI with injectables. It was a hard cycle but I made it and I am ultimately proud of myself. I overcame many many fears and anxieties surrounding the needles and the side effects of the meds. I did very well and although I am upset it did not work, I know that I have the strength to DO THIS. I am re-grouping and getting ready for surgery. The fertility clinic has recommended I have laproscopic surgery to remove any fibroids I have. The worst part is they told me and then when the nurse called to schedule it...they said I have to have it at the hospital instead of the doctor's office due to the size of the fibroid. I was crushed. I mean laying on the ground crying and shaking crushed. Why did they not tell me that I had a huge fibroid before I went three rounds? I am left answering that questions.

In the meantime, I am back to my running and biking and feeling better about myself. I know I will fight the good fight to take the chance that I can someday be a mommy. I am going to be positive and hope for the best.

Positive, Positive, Positive!

Day three of shots went well. I cried last night as the first one really hurt and the other two were frightening. It is mostly in my head. I see those needles coming and I can't look. He tries to hide behind his back. The dogs were gathered around like it was treat time! I wish it was a treat for me! He tried to do the shots in different order- the one that stings and burns first instead of last. I told him to change it around and not tell me. It did help but for some reason it especially stung that time. :( He gave me a big hug after and said sorry. He is a good hugger, with big broad shoulders and it is truly a bear hug that comforts me.

I had a good day teaching at our little camp. They had some really cool new pieces and we also added some fiddle things today. It is nice when the summer kids actually do work. It is sometimes unlike the rest of the year! My good friend is back in town from grad school and it was so nice to be back working with her. I got done and had lunch with friends. Then off to take my dog Maggie to get her nails trimmed. She was a good girl so we all went to Starbucks to pick up something for the husband. He is quite miserable at work these days. :(

Last night I went biking and running. I did about 20 minutes each. I felt much better when I was done. It was hard to get running. I feel all kinds of stiff and tight in my legs and especially in my feet. But I worked through it and felt a sense of accomplishment. My bike ride was strong and I felt good. I stopped the Garmin for one small length to stretch out more and forgot to restart it so I had to guess my running time. I am very overweight right now. I feel awful about myself, but I am determined to push through this low self esteem and depression about my infertility issues. I need to just MOVE. Anything, walking the dogs, bike rides, whatever. My run was made better with music...thank you to my awesome playlists!

Next step...find the confidence to get back to my gym!

Mrs. Basket Case

We got our meds in the mail. It was seriously two HUGE boxes. Some of the items had to be refrigerated. Now I completely understand why infertility bloggers take photos of their meds- the sheer amount is overwhelming! We had our appointment VERY EARLY on Saturday morning. It was supposed to be my first day off for summer but instead we went off to the wonderful fertility center. Our nurses are all very wonderful. Not so much the ones on the phone, but the ones in the actual office are warm and helpful and encouraging. It doesn't really make it any better. You still know when you enter that place that every woman is going through the same thing. It is really sad to me. There are some really nice couples- they look like the kind that deserve a little baby and would make great parents. The waiting room has big comfy couches and chairs and coffee and tea and all kinds of books and things. It still doesn't make it better.

I have so much anxiety that I am thinking about speaking to my regular doctor about it. I get so upset and afraid of every little thing. I do not think that is normal. I want this so badly that it hurts. I think it is a cross between anxiety and slight depression. I am not suicidal or anything like that- just don't feel much like doing anything or going anywhere except work. Even that got hard near the end of the year.

The injections are given every night before bed, or around the same time every night. There are two shots that must be drawn out with a syringe and one that is a pen. My husband has to prepare all that stuff and them administer the shots. I have a huge fear of needles- I get dizzy when I see them come near me. The blood draws at the office every time make me feel the same way but they hurt more. So far the shots went well for the first two days. I think he feels so bad afterwards for "hurting" me. He stops and gives me hugs and is practically in tears too. He says I am getting better with the needles overall. I am sorry I am such a basket case.

So I am going to remain positive and try not to worry so much. I am trying to envision this all being worth it.

Two down, four to go.

I'm on this journey of infertility. It has been several years of hoping and waiting and then...we asked God to help us. I do not know where this will lead us. I pray we will can be parents someday. This spring, I found the courage to begin fertility treatments. I did two cycles of IUI with Clomid. Each month I had a nice BIG EGG on my right side. My left ovary must not be interested in making any so far....hmmm. Maybe this is why I have not had any luck so far, maybe it was only working half the time. The clomid did not bother me much until abut day 5 and then I was very uncomfortable and a total emotional basket case. The second cycle they put me on ANOTHER WEEK of clomid and I was cramped and bloated and emotional. I pretty much shut down emotionally and physically. I have since realized the error of my ways. I would come home from work and sleep until dinner, watch TV, and then read or lay in my bed with my dogs. I know that this is not making good choices. I cannot simply stop my life and push away friends and plans to hang out. I need to get out and put on real clothes and makeup and actually TRY to feel better about myself.

I took a month off for my 7 concerts and one competition. Everything went gloriously well at work during concert season and today is the last day of school. I have been done with real teaching for about a week now, but the last few weeks have so many twists and turns. I have a simple summer planned and I am looking forward to being CALM, and planning myself for this journey. I had a very stressful week with music for elementary graduation ceremonies, collecting hundreds of school rentals and doing inventory, last minute paperwork and projects...just lots of loose ends. I also had to pack up all of my classrooms since we will not be able to access the school over summer break due to asbestos removal at every building. My to do list has been LONG and made me CRANKY. I am battling with my weight, my self esteem, my energy levels, so it is time to gain control over everything. I haven't run or swam or biked (or anything) regularly in several weeks and I feel plain old awful. I am learning to try to take one moment, one day at a time to get that control.

This morning started off with a blunt slap in the face with reality. Between 7am- 8am I had a battle with the insurance company and specialty pharmacy this morning and another emotional breakdown. Then again more phone calls and insurance and nurses and directions....too much for one day let alone one morning. Then they called me at 6:30 and said the order was held up. Then they called and said everything was fine. Then the second pharmacy called and said my credit card didn't go through....seriously people I DO pay my bills but whatever. Now at least I can go to bed with a tracking number and hopefully won't go nuts waiting for it to arrive.

However, I think this month is a GO. I have my first appointment tomorrow and we begin an IUI cycle with injectables. I do not know what that means. I am merely documenting and blogging. I am not allowed to google and frantically search webmd for drugs and side effects like I have in the past. I have spent too much time and emotional energy worrying about everything. It's not to say I will not read the paperwork and listen for directions, just that I am NOT going to obsess or be riddled with fear. For those of you who really KNOW me, I am terrified of needles and have a serious amount of anxiety about my appointments and everything. My friend who has been through this has told me to be positive and trust the doctors and nurses. It didn't help today to go hear about yet another girl at work finding out she is pregnant and due next January...but I am genuinely happy for her and almost numb to this kind of news.

On a positive note, I had a great last staff meeting. I had lunch with a very close friend. I spoke to my mom twice. I brought my husband a special coffee treat in the middle of the afternoon, and I was home by 4pm with my dogs and my laptop. It was a good school year. It was a good teaching year, and I have great memories of my students and their progress. I am proud of myself for what I have become as a teacher. I am humbled and proud of the program I have worked so hard to maintain. I have such amazing friends and colleagues. I also have a wonderful family, and an amazingly supportive husband. I know I can find the strength to do this.

So. two down, four cycles to go. Let's pray this will be a lucky number three cycle! Pray for me to "Be not afraid."